From Fear to Faith

Living in fear means being disconnected from your heart, your source, and your true self. Fear can manifest as anxiety, anger, depression, and insomnia, to name a few. It can make your mind race and make you wilt. Though it may seem difficult in the middle of a fearful moment to see the way out, you don’t have to stay there. There is a pathway out of fear, and I believe it goes through your heart. 

After my trauma and childhood, I lived in a constant state of fear. It became second nature for me to live this way. I had difficulty sleeping. I had anxiety. I always felt shut down. Though it manifested as a diagnosis of P.T.S.D., it felt much different than that. It felt like I had a fear blob sitting all around me. I couldn’t do anything. 

I tried to cure these symptoms for a long time by using tools that worked from the outside in, like analyzing my triggers, trying grounding techniques, and going to talk therapy. In the end, going right into my heart healed me, which I had felt calling out to me underneath all the fear. Trusting my heart, going within, and having help from tools like Reiki, mind-body movement (such as yoga), prayer, and of course, my experience of God and of love, all led me out of fear. I still have fear from time to time, but never as badly as I did before I started truly healing from the inside out. 

If you are feeling stuck in fear, I wish you the courage to hear what your heart is telling you. I believe you can find your way out. I believe that you were born to live in love and not in fear. You were born to feel happy, joyful, and free. God created you. God loves you. God wants you to be happy. Give yourself time, be patient with yourself, and trust your heart. 

From Skepticism to Belief

One of the reasons why I’ve felt called to share my experiences is because I wanted to write about what it’s like to go from being a complete skeptic to believing in God. It wasn’t easy, and it took a lot for me to stop being judgmental towards a spiritual approach to life. Even though I rarely said it out loud, I was extremely mean towards people who expressed any kind of belief in or experience of an unseen world.

So, what changed? Well, it started to change when I began healing my heart in earnest. Recovering from a debilitating childhood trauma eventually brought me into learning about energy healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and finally to God. I did not believe in even the possibility of these things being real or helpful. I thought the people I met who talked about them were delusional. However, I’d exhausted the medical model of healing. I had been to therapy for over a decade, and had been on every kind of medication out there. I was still miserable. I still felt like my heart was hurting. I still had trouble sleeping. I still felt off-kilter.

I gave the other modalities a try. I met transformative healers and teachers who sat with me while I judged them and questioned them. I learned the importance of experiencing for myself. At age 24 I began studying Reiki and eventually became a Reiki Master Teacher, even though when I started learning about it I didn’t believe in it. When I first asked my teacher how she knew Reiki was real, she stated emphatically, “because I feel it!” I judged her (of course) at the time, but that became an important aspect of my exploring this world. How did I feel when I got a Reiki treatment? How did I feel when I studied Reiki? How did I feel when I changed how I ate? How did I feel when I engaged in mind-body practices? 

Ultimately, I became a believer because I wanted to heal. Healing eventually came to mean feeling my heart, which came to mean learning to feel love in my heart. Along the way I learned about things that seemed impossible. Those impossible things were meaningful and life-changing. When I learned to feel my heart, the whole world opened to me – including the unseen world, and including God.

Happy New Year! I wish you a beautiful 2019 filled with love!