Living in fear means being disconnected from your heart, your source, and your true self. Fear can manifest as anxiety, anger, depression, and insomnia, to name a few. It can make your mind race and make you wilt. Though it may seem difficult in the middle of a fearful moment to see the way out, you don’t have to stay there. There is a pathway out of fear, and I believe it goes through your heart.
After my trauma and childhood, I lived in a constant state of fear. It became second nature for me to live this way. I had difficulty sleeping. I had anxiety. I always felt shut down. Though it manifested as a diagnosis of P.T.S.D., it felt much different than that. It felt like I had a fear blob sitting all around me. I couldn’t do anything.
I tried to cure these symptoms for a long time by using tools that worked from the outside in, like analyzing my triggers, trying grounding techniques, and going to talk therapy. In the end, going right into my heart healed me, which I had felt calling out to me underneath all the fear. Trusting my heart, going within, and having help from tools like Reiki, mind-body movement (such as yoga), prayer, and of course, my experience of God and of love, all led me out of fear. I still have fear from time to time, but never as badly as I did before I started truly healing from the inside out.
If you are feeling stuck in fear, I wish you the courage to hear what your heart is telling you. I believe you can find your way out. I believe that you were born to live in love and not in fear. You were born to feel happy, joyful, and free. God created you. God loves you. God wants you to be happy. Give yourself time, be patient with yourself, and trust your heart.
I’m getting this out to you a little late today because my daughter woke up way too early, right when I was starting to write. Thanks for your patience on this holiday weekend. Today I wanted to share about my story- how I’ve lived it, learned from it, and also how I’m able to let it go.
When I was thirteen I was raped by a group of four older boys while many onlookers watched. I believe I was drugged because I don’t remember how I got there. I spent years denying this trauma until I could no longer ignore it. I had several breakdowns and became suicidal in my early twenties. I then spent years talking about it, going to therapy, writing about it, and dealing with it. In order to heal, I had to go deep into my story.
Now, at this age, with so much time passed and healing undertaken, I’ve gotten to the point in my personal process where I feel willing to release this story. Sometimes, I’m not sure how that happened. I reached a place of peace in my heart and with God. I had a lot of support from friends and family. I don’t consider myself only a rape survivor. I am many other things too- a person, a mom, a human with a heart, a reader, a writer, a healer. I went through something that changed me. I went through something that taught me a lot and thankfully, eventually, brought me to a very beautiful spiritual path.
This past weekend we talked a lot about letting go of your story. Stories can be so meaningful and important, but they can hold you back if you are clinging to a limited version of your story. Instead of letting my story limit me, I tell myself the story of how I healed. I tell myself the story of how I learned about compassion. I tell myself the story of seeing the light in myself and in others. I tell myself the story of finding many blessings in the pain.
Love your story, hold it, then release it (if and when it feels right for you).
What does it mean to love yourself? It means to sit in a space of love for yourself and embrace yourself in all of your manifestations. Learning to love myself has been a vital part of my healing journey. It’s a step I often overlook and that I think seems a little selfish sometimes, if I’m being honest. But feeling love for myself in the face of difficulty, anger, sadness, and stress, helps me remember who I am. It helps me remember that God created me, and that I’m loved exactly the way I am.
Some of the ways I practice loving myself include saying “I love myself” as a mantra, as well as saying “God loves me.” I also breathe and sit in stillness and pray to feel love, and to feel God’s love, which usually helps me feel love right away. I also practice showing others that they are loved, which allows me to feel love too. As it is said in Conversations with God, “what you do for another, you do for yourself. What you fail to do for another, you fail to do for yourself.” Helping another feel love will necessarily help you feel love too!
I forgot how to love myself after my trauma. The hatred and vitriol I experienced left me lost in a sea of anger, rage, and sadness. I was cut off from myself, from God, from love, and from light. Every time I consciously love myself now, I return a part of my heart to God’s heart, and to love. It can take time and practice, but it’s possible. Loving yourself can make many of life’s problems seem more manageable and less overwhelming. Wishing you love today and every day.