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April 2019

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Learning to Love

In the years after my trauma, I did not know how to love myself or other people. I surrounded my heart with protective steel walls. No one could hurt me if I couldn’t feel anything. It felt safe, but it led to me hurting other people, and to me feeling sad and emotionally numb. I was still myself, but I wasn’t connected to the world or people around me. To look at pictures of me from that time, I still seem like myself, and I’m sure if you asked my friends from that time if I seemed cold, numb or depressed, they may not have noticed. But I noticed. It was a learned way of being that I’ve thankfully mostly unlearned. How did I learn to...

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Living in Gratitude & My Steps to Conscious Creation

I try to remember to be grateful each day for the blessings I have, and for the blessings I wish to have someday. My favorite book series, Conversations with God, says that the most powerful prayer is saying thank you in advance. I don’t always remember to do that, but as much as I'm able to, I try to practice this high form of gratitude. It’s similar to visualization and to making a vision board – techniques I and some of my friends have had some success with. It is a pretty neat (and powerful) phenomenon when you put it to work in your life.  Form arises from thought. As long as we live in the manifest world of the physical, we create the things we think...

Finding Joy in the Mundane

Most of our lives are taken up by very mundane, even boring, tasks. Some of my more mundane daily tasks include making beds, cleaning up toys, making breakfast, making lunch, commuting to work, doing paperwork, bathtime, and bedtime, to name a few. Sometimes these tasks seem far from my experience of connecting to God, but I know that they are a big way that I can stay present and be of service to the world. Connecting to the divine doesn’t mean we stop participating in our daily lives, we just approach them differently. As the Zen quote goes, "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” Once we have an experience or knowledge of our oneness to the divine, our outer lives don’t always...

Grace

Grace is a concept I find very comforting. Grace, to me, means love and mercy from God, even when one hasn’t done anything to earn it. It’s just there, and it’s for you, no matter what.Grace is God’s love for you, calling to you and accepting you as you are – warts, imperfections, and all. Grace erases the pain of the past and brings you back into the fold of God’s love, where you have truly always been. Grace is allowing God’s love into your heart and letting it heal you. God doesn’t require you to do anything except be yourself.  Richard Rohr writes about grace in one of his meditations: “Basically, grace is God’s first name, and probably last too. Grace is what God does to keep...

Forgiving Others

Over the weekend an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in years directed some very hurt feelings towards me. It truly took me aback and made me feel confused and bad about myself. I don’t know what she was upset about, but I do believe it had more to do with her than me. It’s been hard not to relive those moments in my head and feel distressed. I’ve found this to be a good time to practice forgiveness. In these kinds of situations, it’s really easy to hold onto the pain and to judge the person sending out negativity. It was my first, knee-jerk response. Withdrawing and protecting myself is how I got by in life when people were harsh towards me as a child and...

We are All Holy

My experience of God really threw me for a loop when it first happened, in many ways. Namely, I had to overcome the lessons I was taught growing up that only special people communicate with God, and that only certain people can really make contact with God. I had to move past a lot of mental constructs to come to the truth that we are all part of God, and that God communicates with all of us, all the time. Sometimes God communicates in big ways, but most of the time, God communicates in small whispers. Mostly, God communicates with you in the way that you understand best.  I was not raised to believe that God could communicate with many people. I was raised to believe...

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Paying Attention to What you Pay Attention to

This weekend I went down a YouTube wormhole and watched some videos that I ended up finding a little scary. I even woke up last night being afraid of them, and it took me some time to fall back asleep. Even though I do sometimes enjoy watching “scary” things, and I’m all for everyone watching whatever they feel like watching, it can help to watch things that expand on your highest and best states and don’t create fear.  I try to make conscious choices about what kind of media I consume. As I’ve written before, I try to read positive news (like Daily Good and the Good News Network) every day to balance out the negatively-focused regular news. When I watch television shows I try to...

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Can One be Spiritual and Intellectual?

Having been raised in a hyper-intellectual environment, I was taught explicitly and implicitly that a spiritual approach to life was a less intelligent approach to life. My family was firmly rooted in rationality and judged anything that seemed irrational to be “crazy,” a term I recall hearing quite a bit in my house growing up. When I’m around my more intellectual friends and family, there is a continued judgment towards a “non-rational” approach to life, including one that embraces God and holistic approaches to healing. I understand that mindset because I was raised in it, and yet, to heal, I had to move past it. The mind is a vital part of our lives, but so is the spirit. As I’ve written before, I believe we...

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Returning to Center

This morning I got a little off kilter. Toddler needs, morning routines, and a dollop of mild family drama conspired to tilt me off balance. I know I’m off balance when I am feeling anxious, distracted, and sad. My breathing gets shallow and my body tenses. When I notice I’m doing this, I have some practices that help me return to my center and find peace. Here are my favorites. Breathing – Breathing calmly and deeply, even for just a few breaths, helps me calm immediately. It just takes a moment to check in and pay attention to your breath. Slow down and breathe with intention. Feel your mental clouds clear. You can even try this now. How do you feel?  Intentional Movement – This is a practice that can...

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Where does Healing end and Spirituality begin?

When I began healing, I did not set out to become a spiritual person. I only wanted to feel my heart and heal myself. My years of sadness after my trauma and childhood had left me lost, and I wanted to be happy from the inside - happy for real. Somehow, along the way, unintentionally, my journey to heal brought me to God.  How did that happen? I’ve come to believe that healing and God are very closely related. When we heal, we are trying to make ourselves whole again. Healing happens when we allow love back into all parts of ourselves. Healing happens when we connect our small heart to the Big Heart of God. When I was lost and wishing to feel my heart,...