In the years after my trauma, I did not know how to love myself or other people. I surrounded my heart with protective steel walls. No one could hurt me if I couldn’t feel anything. It felt safe, but it led to me hurting other people, and to me feeling sad and emotionally numb. I was still myself, but I wasn’t connected to the world or people around me. To look at pictures of me from that time, I still seem like myself, and I’m sure if you asked my friends from that time if I seemed cold, numb or depressed, they may not have noticed. But I noticed. It was a learned way of being that I’ve thankfully mostly unlearned.
How did I learn to love? It’s taken a long time and it’s happened in many ways over many years. My biggest shift occurred when I began healing myself by trying to feel my heart. I began listening as closely as possible to my internal guidance. I felt my heart guiding me and I started really listening to it. After my trauma, I did not listen to my heart. My heart was hurting so much, and I had been told it was my fault. I did everything I could not to listen to myself. It helped me to do well at school and succeed in the physical world around me, but it did not help me heal or feel happy.
It also helped me to learn about alternative modes of healing. Finding a trusted healer helped me immensely. I also learned about the spiritual side of life, and the concept of God, angels, and unseen helpers that are with us throughout our lives. Once I opened the door a little bit, I received so much help from the other side.
It also helped to have my family structure shift. My parents, who had been in an unhappy relationship for years, finally divorced, and my mom remarried my stepdad. He saw the good side in me, one my parents had never been able to see until then, and it really changed my life.
To sum it up, the main things that have helped me learn to feel love again have been (1) listening closely to my heart, (2) opening my life up to God & the angels, and (3) having supportive people in my life. If you’re not sure how to open your life up to God, it’s ok. I didn’t really believe in that when I started. You can just say a small prayer and ask God and your angels for help. I really believe it works.
Learning to love is a journey that is unique to you. I hope some of the things I’ve learned along the way can help you find some ideas for your own path. It is possible to love again. Wishing you love today and always.