“Feelings are the language of the soul” – Conversations with God
Growing up, I learned to disavow my feelings. When difficult things happened in my life, I was usually told my feelings about them were wrong. This was most pronounced after my trauma. When I acted out based on my sad and hurt feelings, I was scolded, punished, and reprimanded. I learned to cut the hurt part of myself away, and to create a surface self that was able to be “successful” and more in line with mainstream society. I think in psychology they call this “splitting.” And it definitely describes what I did. It was what I needed to do to survive.
In order to heal many years later, I needed to get back in touch with that small, wounded part of me. I had to follow the thread of my feelings and let them lead me into the parts of myself I had disowned. It was terrifying at first. Learning to feel my own feelings took work. In the beginning, I did not even know what I felt about anything!
It took quiet moments with myself, therapy, and lots of healing to learn to listen to myself. I had to be gentle with my heart. Eventually, it led me back to myself, and unraveled the tight cord I’d placed around my heart. Finally, I followed my feelings back to a place of love that was waiting just underneath the surface.
I write this in case you are struggling with feeling your feelings as I did. It can be difficult, but it’s not impossible! I believe in you and in me. Wishing you peace and healing.